In 2016, there is a push for everyone to be independent, to freelance, to choose how they work and where...I get it. I mean, who doesn't want flexibility, freedom. However, I miss the security of knowing when I will get paid and how much and why, all in a moments notice. Which is the purpose in this post. Knowing what I know now, I would still do what I did because it placed me where I need to be, however...
I have decided to move-on. For the next few months or so, I will be taking some time off and re-calibrating my life. Unfortunately, this art isn't paying the bills (although I wanted it to when I started 4 years ago). I have experienced my fair share of the freelance art world and I have learned that I am not the administrative type, I am not the publicist, hell I'm not even the accountant. I just like to create...you know...its a hobby.
For my supporters, I thank you. I appreciate you and love you from the bottom of my heart. Your support was a complete surprise and has kept me going. This entire website is dedicated to you. I mean because of you I have a few accomplishments like:
- performing as an actor on stages in Alabama, Georgia, and New York
- having written and independently published four collections of poetry
- performing as a dancer in Atlanta, Chicago, and New York
- creating this website and each video that you see
- modeling for a few notable photographers and even getting a picture of me in the Huffington Post
...and while I'm not looking for hand claps or cookies, I will impart what I have learned so that you can skip my mistakes...the first lesson is don't quit your job...yet. Life is too short for the amount of stress that comes out of randomly quitting a job, not to mention its likely not as "bad" as you may think. Now the benefits of walking the fuck out are extremely liberating...it is worth it...just at least pay up your rent for the year or gather a nice little 12-month nest egg of cash to cover yourself. So that you can more freely explore your new found freedom...more on that later. I'm not here for that talk...today.
Please keep in mind I believe in hard work. For me hard work looks like giving up your career and paychecks, simplifying an otherwise complex lifestyle, becoming accountable to oneself, sleeping in cars, on couches, other peoples houses, saying no to trips and concerts and having to give up purchasing new cars, clothes, shoes, and other materials in order to "follow your heart" or "follow God" or whatever. I'm not a microwave mentality guy but I like to see results and in a world where the value of thought is being undermined by instant gratification, I just don't see the use in continuing with making my art my livelihood.
Will I still do art? Yes. I can't go without it. It's ingrained from the way I start my day to the way that I go to sleep. It's in each choice. In the clothes that I wear, the people that I talk to, the music that I listen to...yes, I'm kinda weird and I am finding that at 31, there are a few other things that I want to be doing and those things take money...
I created BARE blog as a space to be unfiltered and that is just what I will be, you can count on it.
Now as far as this "moving on" business, there have been a mixture of reasons for why and one of the main ones is simply that I'm ready to commit to a more stable way of life for myself. I have had fun on this part of my journey, and I will still post poetry (I write 24/7), it's just time for me to do some different things. Among those, finding a stable job is high on my list of priorities. It's not an easy decision, but looking around me, it damn shole ain't a hard one.
It's easy to put up walls and pretend that everything is okay when its not. It's easy to present a convoluted message to the world, but the truth of the matter is that I feel isolated, ignored, under-valued, ashamed, and most times, worthless. I know those things aren't true but I put my heart into everything I do, no matter how much or how little and it still doesn't lead to the result that I want...I'm throwing the towel in.
I have been writing a little bit and even completed a new body of work but for now, I'm taking gigs as they come and taking more time to work on my private life. I choose bare it all to you guys so that I can free myself from the bondage of having to appear a certain way. I'm baring it so that I can leave this story on the fucking field. I'm baring it so that I can gain some momentum, after all, it was never about me in the first place.
Til next time.