Today I was supposed to do poetry at the place where I facilitate after-school programming. Dream come true, not quite. Cool opportunity, only time would tell.
One thing that I have learned about myself during my journey to Nowhere is that I am consistent. I thought at first that time was this inconquerable entity that I somehow would always have to fight against. What I’ve learned is quite the contrary. It's all about flow.
I was too late to perform, unfortunately, but I also had a breakthrough. I’m not a performer.
See a performer would pop up ready to perform when its time. I woke up and went back to sleep.
Each time I have a fuck up as it relates to my artistry, I ask myself are you afraid? Yes. What are you afraid of?
It’s amazing how fear works. It will suck you up and drain you dry before you know it, if you let it.
Today was different though. I wanted to be in the room. I wanted to be part of the event but in another capacity...and I was. I did something that I have always wanted to do. I photographed and recorded the event for the event organizer and still got paid. It is a WIN-WIN.
I still ask myself. Why? Why did I go back to sleep? Sure I went to bed late. Sure my Burrito was warm in my arms sleeping soundly. Sure I was sleepy. But I get up when I have something to do. Today, I chose sleep. Now to be fair, I told them that I'm not an early morning kind of guy...and I said that I would "try" so I was only fooling myself anyway. It still doesn't stop me from wondering because I love to read, I love to read to people, I love to share my work. So why?
Maybe it's because I'll be in New York all day and all night toiling away. Maybe it's because I didn't really prepare anything that I liked. Maybe I just didn’t want to read poetry in front of my peers. You know, that happened once when I was dancing. I usually am not shy when it comes down to doing what I do on stage, but this one time, I was so scared to dance in front of my friends that when they came to see me perform I conveniently found an alibi and flaked out. The irritating repercussions of that moment assure me that type of moment won't happen again plus, well, now that you know, I can’t be afraid anymore, cause...you know.
I have been considering going back into the world of education but more along the lines of advocacy. So for instance, I am an advocate for freedom of expression, civil rights of LGBTQ+ folk, exhibitionists, educators, and people with disabilities. You read all of that right. All of it infused together. You know why? Cause every one of those people is a HUMAN BEING making a very valuable and necessary contribution to our world, well most of us are being valuable. Now, what is that job? What does it entail? Am I already doing it?
I’m working hard at seeing myself through different eyes. Eyes that can see what you see. Eyes that understand my flaws, my quirks. Eyes that appreciate what sets me apart from the crowd. It’s not easy.
I don’t know where it started, where I stopped believing or rather stopped trusting in myself. I have made some significant gains but I have a ways to go. I sure am bolder than I was before.
Would you believe that I just started consciously listening to the voice in my head and acting on it? Crazy right? I judge myself harshly. I want to stop and I will soon enough.
Growing up Southern Pentecostal Christian has some rough side effects, one of them being that you learn to doubt everything about yourself...and once you learn better, you have to unlearn all of that stuff. You have to learn that there are many who are just like you, waiting for you to come along so that they can be a better them.
It’s not a blame game though. It’s about bringing about an understanding. I don’t want to say that everyone feels a certain way, I can’t speak for everyone. I can, however, be better. You can too.